Jack Henry Photo, Dias de Vino Y Rosas
In a dream scenario, your significant other and your family get along effortlessly. But in reality? That’s not always how it plays out. And while it’s normal for people you love to have totally different energies, tension between your family and your fiancé can throw off your entire vibe—especially during wedding planning, when emotions are already dialed up. So what do you do when your plus-one and your loved ones can barely get through dinner without a passive-aggressive comment? First, take a breath. Then, start here.
Pelillos Deraton, Leo Rohrsetzer
Figure Out What’s
Causing the Tension
Sometimes it’s just a matter of mismatched personalities—one’s sarcastic, the other’s sensitive. Other times, it runs deeper: a gut-level vibe check that didn’t pass. Before jumping into fix-it mode, take a step back and observe. Is it lingering awkwardness or real conflict? Are your parents or siblings being overly protective, or is your partner brushing them off? Understanding the why behind the tension will help you decide what to do next.
Talk to Each of Them, Separately
This isn’t an intervention—it’s a vibe check. When things start to feel off, have separate, honest conversations with each of them. You don’t need to rehash every awkward moment or ask for a resolution on the spot. Just open the door. Listen to what’s coming up for them without jumping to defend the other person. You’re not there to fix it immediately—you’re there to understand where the tension is actually coming from.
Set Boundaries, Not Ultimatums
It can be tempting to say, “Just get along!”—but real life doesn’t work that way. You’re not asking them to become super tight overnight, just to show up with mutual respect. Set clear boundaries about what you will and won’t tolerate, and let go of the idea that harmony means forced closeness. Kindness is enough. That’s the baseline.
Don’t Force Together Time
Yes, it would be great to have dreamy family dinners and getaways, but if they can barely tolerate each other at brunch, maybe skip the cabin weekend. Prioritize one-on-one time with each of them. Your relationships with your family and your partner can, and should, exist on separate tracks when needed. And while your family may be your foundation, your partner is your person—so make time for connection that doesn’t involve emotional refereeing.
Don’t Use One to Vent
About the Other
It’s tempting, especially when you’re frustrated, to vent about your partner to your family, or vice versa. But when there’s already tension, casual complaints can quickly turn into confirmation bias. A small comment might reinforce an existing opinion, and suddenly the divide feels even deeper. That doesn’t mean you can’t be honest or need to bottle everything up—but be mindful of how much you're fueling the fire. If you're constantly casting one as the villain in conversations with the other, it becomes much harder to rewrite that narrative later.
Be Clear About What You
Need from Each of Them
Sometimes the tension flares up simply because one or both people feel unsure of their place. Maybe your family is feeling sidelined, or your partner is overwhelmed by the pressure to impress. Instead of constantly playing peacemaker, focus on clarifying what you need from each of them. Whether it’s emotional support, space, or just a willingness to be civil during shared time, setting those expectations clearly (and kindly) can ease the pressure—and remind them that this moment is about supporting you.
Protect Your Energy
You can’t control how two people feel about each other—but you can control how much of your time and mental bandwidth gets consumed by it. If you find yourself constantly translating, peacekeeping, or worrying about every interaction, it’s a sign to pause. Step back from the fixer role, and let them manage their own dynamic. Your emotional energy is better spent on things that lift you up.
Know When It’s More
Than Just a Clash
Some tension is normal. But if your partner is consistently disrespectful to your family, or vice versa, that’s not just a personality mismatch, it’s a pattern. You shouldn’t have to choose between two people you love, but you also shouldn’t downplay behavior that chips away at your peace. Trust your instincts. If something feels off long-term, it’s worth addressing before deeper resentment takes root.
